Chapter 6 – To My Family
I have been meaning to write a blog in the last few weeks that doesnt talk much about my situation with Terra. This particular blogs SOLE purpose is to thank the people in my life who mean THE MOST to me and who have been there for me through the most sorrowful time(s) within my life. When I was growing up I thought I didnt have much which caused me to desire what other people had. I am now 29 years old and I look back at my past and I realize that everything I really thought was important growing up was just 1 grain of sand. I have my family, my children, my TRUE friends who arent really friends but FAMILY to me, you have made so much of an impact in my life and there is nothing I could EVER do to repay what you have brought to me and to my children. You have brought me hope when I thought I was nothing, you have brought me life when all i wanted to do was just destroy myself in so many ways, you have brought me to be the person who I am today and who I may not have been if you were not in my life. EVERYTHING non necessity that I ever thought was important to me was just merely 1 grain of sand where YOU, Mom, Dad, Matthew, Ansley, Doagles, Chris S, Jen S, Matt C, Catherine F., Jade & Sarah B., Fred B,. Jeff & Cynthia H, Sandy H., Michael H., Derrick and Mary, Mary H., Deronda & Shawn P,. Debbie B,. Jr P., Raymond W. Amongst a few others who have been an entire COASTLINE of sand for me, and I could NEVER thank you enough no matter how much I tried for ALL you have done for me when I was at my best and at my lowest. Whether its picking me up for work on YOUR day off or just being here for me when I needed you most, you were here. I would be so lost without the most important people in my life and YOU ARE the most important people in my life. I have contimplated so many bad things but its all of you who have been my light, my guidance, my advice, my road to not self destruct and destroy everything in my life that means so much to me. There many times i felt I had nothing to offer, but I guess if I didnt I wouldnt have the ones who mean most to me. You all have my love, my respect, my advice if EVER needed, my compassion when you are faced with a situation that you feel is hopeless. I would protect you all with MY LIFE if that is what needed to be, ALLL OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN as THEY are my family also. I am slowly crawling out of hell with all of you throwing me the rope to help me climb out. There are some things that my mother has told me growing up that I heard but never understood until now. My mother told me a long long time ago that you can tell anyone anything but when you write it they feel it so much more, I get my gift, power, deepness, and intensity of writing from my mother. Mom I Love you so much :”’-( and I thank you for this gift that you have given me. It has helped me make it through this heartbreaking situation if it wasnt for you I could NEVER write the way I do, like when you used to write me. If it wasnt for you and dad I wouldnt be where I am today. If it wasnt for the strength of my family and friends who ARE family to me I would not be the father, person,friend I am today and I may have just given up, but you NEVER gave up on me and I will NEVER give up on MY children or any of YOU. Only now do I understand what my mother meant by she has had the same friends since when she was in school, friends that have been by her side and her by their side for years & years & years. Only NOW do I fully understand what it means to have TRUE friends that empower and lighten your life and I NEVER want to lose that. I am who I am and sometimes that is hard to deal with but you all have stuck by me when I was at my best and at my worst, I change everyday and most of the time I feel its for the better and ALLLLLLLLLL of you play an intricate part in my life. You are what what matters most to me in this world, not the “censored”  TV or the computer or the menial “censored”  that people hold so dear and important. FAMILY is what is important, RESPECT is what is important, FRIENDSHIP is what is important and NOTHING else matters. I had said in one of my past blogs that my father has been my biggest supporter and without you in my life Dad I WOULD NOT be who I am today, or the father I am today. I blamed you for alot of things in my past and now that I am a man I realize that it was because you love me that you didnt want me to have to grow up the hard way or always try to take the easy way out. Only now can I fully respect and appreciate that, THANK YOU for EVERYTHING you have done for me in my life and for being my biggest supporter through my current situation, I could not do it without your love and support. I TRULY know what it means to be loved and be part of something REAL. I only hope that I can lead by the example that has been shown to me through all of you in most if not all that I do in this life. No words I can EVER say or letters that i could ever write can repay all that has been done for me, I love you all with all my heart and if you could even slightly understand what I am feeling as I write this, that may be all the thanks you could ever want.
Chapter 7 – The Reason Why
This was a letter I wrote to a friend of mine a few weeks ago when I was asked why I had let Terra come back. I had posted it this and chapter 2 and pulled it after my family recommended I take it down. After re-reading this particular entry and the fact that there was nothing derogatory torwards any1 in it, I decided to repost it. I WILL be re-writing chapter 2 and then reposting that also.
There are many people besides you that have questioned why I did what I did in regards to letting Terra come back. That answer has come so easy at many times as it has come so hard also. I can not justify answering that question from a selfish standpoint. The truth is this in no particular order. I didnt know how this situation would effect my children, in all honesty I TRULY didnt think Ansley would care either way because I have been her primary caregiver pretty much from the beginning and she didnt “know” Terra like she knew me, Daddys little girl ya know. One day Terra had came by the house to see the kids and that was fine with me she stayed for about an hour or 2 and when she left Ansley wasnt by the door which was VERY awkward. Ansley has always stood by the door upon Terras leaving except for today. About 5 minutes had gone by and I said something isn’t right. I went upstairs and ansley was on the end of Matthews bed looking out the window with her “censored” G nails digging INTO the wood of his bed frame and in an unchild like voice very somberly she was just saying mama mama mama mama over and over and over and over to herself. I softly walked over to her and TRIED to take her by her hands and take them off of her bed but the nails on her tiny little fingers were INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN the wood. When I finally got her hands off I turned her around and looked into those deep brown eyes that were now BLACK AS NIGHT with NO happiness, NO childhood, NO expression, NOTHING, “censored” G NOTHING, just a lifeless soul behind those beautiful eyes that were once filled with ALL of those things that make a child who they are. When I finally realized that my daughter was basically DYING inside my son walked upstairs with tears in his eyes except in his eyes was PAIN, HURT,SORROW, ANGER, LOSS, DEVESTATION and then he turned to me and layed his head in my lap and in a full stream of tears told me THAT HIS HEART HURT SO BAD AND IT WAS BROKEN. At that instant I came to realize that EVERYTHING I went through during the time my children and Terra were gone, every emotion, every bit of pain, every tear, every piece of sorrow to make me remember FIRST “censored” G HAND that I am human was a mere speck of dust in an old abandoned mansion. This was also going to be Matthews first year of school and everyday his normal demeanor would just be lost to some sort of memory of what once was when his mother was here. I didnt want him to struggle in school, I didnt want him to have that constant reminder EVERYDAY that his mother wasnt coming home. I didnt want to have to worry that he should have to deal with that later on in life. Matthew & Ansley ARE the ONLY 2 reasons that I walk this earth, kill myself everday at walmart and sacrifice the little bit of happiness I have outside of them. I do NOT regret doing what I have done for my children, I do NOT regret walking away from past relationships that could have made ME happier than I have ever been b4. Life is NOT about me anymore it is about them.
Chapter 8 – A snake in Mommy’s Clothing
As i watched the anguish that my children went through from Terras comings and goings while she was away, I felt compelled to try to give them the life back where they were happy and comfortable. While Terra was gone and my children were gone she made many bad decisions for herself. Terra believes that she has to “buy” peoples affection to be liked and cared about. We spoke about many things when she was gone and when my children returned home I still allowed Terra to see Matthew and Ansley more than what was put into place with the court system. It felt right to have her come home, I saw what this did to my children. I just couldnt bare to see my children in pain anymore. The conditions to Terras return was as followed. She must sign over full custody rights to me, She had to go into a treatment facility to be able to work out her mental instability amongst a few other issues that needed to be taken care of.
Upon Terra’s return, my son who had felt it most asked her the first night she came home if she was staying. Terra told Matthew that she was SOOOO SORRY for what she had done to “her family” and that she promised him, SHE PROMISED him that she would never leave again and that she loved us and that she had made a terrible mistake. Terra vowed it would never happen again but borrowed time is such a sad time. I spoke to my friends about me letting her return and they told me while they may not agree with my decision I have to do what is right for my family and I thought I had made the right decision. Terra used what I held most poweful in this world “FAMILY” against me. She told me to my face that she wanted us all to be together as a family. She said she wanted the Sunday dinners, she wanted the holidays amongst those she loved most which was supposedly my children and I. Terra made me believe in a dream that I had been wishing for with all my heart. Through that snake in mommy’s clothings lies she made me made me believe that this is what she wanted and that she had learned her lesson. Terra spoke about the holidays and how all of us would be together. It was EVERYTHING I have ever wanted for my family. She lied to my son, she lied to my daughter, she lied to me. It was that easy for her like we truly meant nothing to her in the first place.
Terra stayed in this home long enough to get the car back, for me to have the child support order lifted and get herself back on her feet enough to where she could just up and leave with nothing to worry about.. Everything before Terra left this 2nd time felt like what it was supposed to be. She seemed happy and comfortable to be home. She was getting Matthew to school on time, she was getting to work on time. Terra seemed like she had really stepped up to the plate but all she was doing was buying her time. I had told her 2 weeks prior to her leaving that I was so proud of her and I and the children were happy and I asked if she was happy and she said yes and I believed her. Terra is a psychic vampire (meaning below). She is destroying the 2 people that loved her most in this world all with the approval of her own concience, I pray that she just leaves and never returns to my children and me. We ARE better off without her, my children are better off without her. Terra brings them pain, hurt, anger and worst of all sadness when she brings them HOME to me. It is ME that deals with that unrelenting sorrow that they feel, it is ME that wakes up in the middle of the night when my children cry for her. It is ME that takes care of them now. It was Terra’ selfishness that caused all of this heartache, in MY family, HER family, HER ownself.
Psychic Vampire:
AKA Energy Vampire.

1. A emotionally weak person who drains vital engery from other people. Basically what you call someone who drags you down and wastes you’re time when you’re around them.
2. One who consciously or subconciously drains the emotions of others.
I hope as my children grow older they see the truth for what it is. Daddy did EVERYTHING in his power to make their lives what they are supposed to be and try to keep our family together. I want my children to have happiness and a future. I want my children to learn right from wrong and it will be me that teaches them. This is going to hurt my children more than most people can comprehend. I have NEVER truly hated Terra until now, until she had taken my childrens hearts in her hands and smashed them on the floor and pissed on them. The best thing and most responsible thing that she can ever do to help her children is leave them forever. A snake has the ability to shed its skin and start from scratch and that is exactly what she did. Terra got everything she NEEDED to get her life str8 enough to shed that snake skin of hers and start over WITHOUT her family. A person she works with recently told me that she was going to allow Terra to stay in her house for the night and I asked her why are you going to reward her for deserting her children and her family again. She said that she had a big heart and I said so did I and look at where that got me. I said if you want to help someone who TRULY needs it, help the 2 REAL victims in this equation and that is my children. They will need people in their lives who will be of positive influence and love them because they KNOW how to show love, caring and compassion for others.
Chapter 9 – A beginning of firsts
I had alot of trouble sleeping last night. My mind was racing with all that has happened in the last few months. I never wanted to believe that it would have come to this. This will be the first major holiday without the family that my children and I know. I will now be surrounded by new family and for as MUCH as I love Chris, Jen, Gracen & lexis I can’t help but hurt for my children and myself for what we have lost. There was a point in time that we were a family of 4 but that has now come to an end and that book has been closed never to be read again. I am sitting here typing this listening to christmas music feeling somewhat uneasy of the future and what will come to pass. Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate what you are most thankful for and I am TRULY thankful for the people who my children and I have within our lives and hearts. There is a missing piece to the puzzle within my childrens heart that can never be replaced. I KNOW they are hurting and I KNOW they are loved but it seems like no matter how much love I show them I cant mend that piece within them that has been lost. My son and daughter cry when Terra leaves and I cry when I am alone, for my children as I cry now as I type this. My children are upstairs sleeping peacefully and as I type this I know and understand what it means to feel loss. I feel like I have also lost an intricate part of me, I lost the person who gave me the gift of fatherhood, I lost the person who gave me a family of my own and my heart breaks a little bit also at the thought that it didn’t have to be like this. The choices we make in life may not always be the right choices but if a bad choice is made with the best of intentions it may not always be wrong. Terra made HER choice out of pure selfishness and now she is going to pay the price. For as much as my heart is filled with love it is also filled with hate for the ones that have hurt my children in the worst kind of way. While Joey L. will be surrounded today by family and friends, probably not even giving a care of thought to the 2 lives he helped destroy and the family he helped destroy, Terra will be ALONE on Thanksgiving with NO FAMILY and NOTHING to be thankful for. I LOVE my children with all the love my heart has within it, but my heart is also filled with hate for Terra and Joey. I do not wish to hate them but when I look into my childrens eyes and I see what they have lost because of pure selfishness for oneself it drives me to hate beyond belief. TODAY is a day to be thankful for what you have in life, the people who you have in your life, the family you have in life. What many people dont realize is, you may not have the best of everything BUT if you make the BEST out of everything you have, you have lost NOTHING and still gained. I HAVE my children, my children & I HAVE a home, my children and I HAVE a welcoming and loving family to spend THIS day of celebration for what we are most thankful for with. I want to THANK all of those within my childrens and my own life for what you have done to help us we ARE THANKFUL for EVERYTHING. Thanksgiving & Christmas is a time to celebrate FAMILY and you are OUR family.
Chapter 10 – A feeling of Loss
I have been sitting here yet again listening to christmas music. There is a song that was wrote by the Trans-Siberian orchestra. It is called Dream Child, the lyrics are as followed.
In the night
Was the dark
In the dark
Was the dream
In the dream
Was the Child
And myself
There unseen

In the book was the word
In the word there was truth
In the truth there was age
In the age there was youth

And I said to the Child
Do your hands they still bleed
After all of this time
Do you think there’s still need
But the Child only smiled

And said not a word
And the snow it came down
As if it hadn’t heard

And all that night the snow came down
To heal the scars our lives had found
And the years that lay broken

And there upon that bridge of dreams
Across the night we walked unseen
With no words ever spoken

And then on through that night
We did walk for a while
And our steps turned to blocks
And the blocks turned to miles

Then we followed a path
For as far as we could
Till we found ourselves there
In an evergreen woods

There were thousands of candles
Upon every tree
It was beautiful
But there was one mystery
For with all of those candles
You must understand
That the only one lit
Was now there in his hand

And there upon that Christmas scene
The candle wax of melted dreams
And the years they had taken

And as the snow did gently fall
We one by one relit them all
Till each dream was awakened

And there to that light
This young Child showed to me
All the things that he dreamt
All the things that might be
How for everything given
That something is gained
Strike one match in the dark
And all the world’s not the same

And then I asked that Child
Why this night has a star
And he said, “So we’d know
That we could see that far”
And these candles are wed
To that star’s distant light
And it all came to be
Upon that long winter’s night
That long winter’s night
That long winter’s night
That long winter’s night

And when I awoke, well the Child he was gone
But somewhere in my mind
I believe he lives on
And somewhere in my life
Between here and the end
On a long winter’s night
I will dream him again

Then she noticed on some Christmas cards
A reddish purple stain
Where someone had spilled some Christmas wine
And there it had remained

Until the heat from a radiator
Whistling in the air
Had caused it to evaporate
Into an angel’s share
The part of this song that seems to be most impactful to me is when they said
“And all that night the snow came down
To heal the scars our lives had found”
I feel as though my children and I will have so many scars that all the snow in the world cant heal us. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I felt a definite feeling of loss within my children’s and my home from the instant I woke up. I when I feel sad or lost write to ease my mind, so I wrote a blog yesterday that MANY people read. My mother had asked me why do I write for every1 to see and make my business public. I do it to ease my mind and heart, I do it because if even 1 person gains something from my words and it helps them feel not alone then my writing truly means something. I write about my children, love for family, sorrow and my own trials and tribulations for as much as it hurts me to write it sometimes alleviates the stronger pain within me. I had so much to be thankful for yesterday and I know that there are MANY people in this world through no fault of their own have nothing or will have nothing these holidays and it makes me sad to see people who fight so hard for their family or for the things that they have still have that heartache within them. Then there are the people who CHOOSE to do wrong and choose to destroy what is most important in this life and it seems like they are rewarded.
I am scared to celebrate Christmas this year, my tree is up, the house is slowly getting decorated but it is my favorite holiday to spend amongst the 4 of us. I hurt for my childrens loss, I hurt for my own loss but I hurt MOST for THIS FAMILY”S loss as it was known. In a way I wish all this would have happened after Christmas because this would have allowed us more time to heal before next Thanksgiving and next Christmas, but its not going to be that way this year. I feel pain as I type this, I DO feel loss as I type this and I KNOW that my children feel everything that I feel and more because they cant disect their feelings like I can. Matthew tells me when he is sad but thats all he tells me and I know with all my heart there is so much more going on in that little body of his that hes sad. I just wish I could just wipe their pain away because isnt that what daddy is supposed to do, protect his children and keep pain out of their hearts. I cant protect my children the way I want to because of reasons I cannot speak about now. I wish my children could be by my side wherever I go and wherever I am. I would NEVER leave them! Terra LEFT her children 2x and yet still feels that she has done nothing wrong.
NO child should ever have to experience what my children are going through. People need to realize that when you have children you are no longer yourself anymore. YOU ARE MOMMY OR DADDY. I Louis Cohen does NOT exist anymore, I am DADDY to 2 children who mean more to me than ANYONE. I never understood how any parent could walk away from their own child let alone twice or pretend like their own child doesn’t exist. I saw it yesterday at my friends house and I was disgusted (it was a friend of their daughters) I was hurt for this girl and the story behind why she wasnt spending time with her own family. I saw my family as I knew it was DESTROYED for selfish reasons, and it kills me to know that I still have to let this person who walked away from her children TWICE still be involved in their life. You are either a parent or YOUR NOT. You can NOT pick and choose to be surrounded by your children when it is convenient for YOU. My children to Terra are there for show only, like Paris Hilton and Brittney Spears walk around with dogs in their pocket books. You can only uphold that image for so long before EVERYONE sees through the “censored”  and sees you for who you really are. Children are NOT decoration they are living, breathing beginnings to better people if that is what you show them. I show my children what it means to love and be compassionate and hopefully they will NEVER be tainted by their mothers example.
I am TRULY scared of whats to come, I fear for my children as I fear what will happen with their future. I will be the best parent I can be and I pray that by me teaching my children, love, values, compassion, morals and respect that Karma will shine upon this family of 3 and we will be blessed with the family my children deserve as they have done NO WRONG and dont deserve this.