I once lived in Illinois for a short time and was so excited to get to hunt as a resident I could hardly contain myself. The Bowhunting angels were on my side THIS year.
I was lucky enough to get into Allerton Park. 2200 acres of wooded heaven that was gifted to the U of I 50 years ago and hadnāt been hunted until the prior year after 3 joggers were chased by swollen necked Casanovas looking for love in all the wrong places and one guy getting gang raped by a pack of rutting whitetails who thought his biking hot pants were indeed, very hot.
So I draw Oct 24-30th and Iām giddy as a schoolgirl getting ready for prom.
I have the spot, I have the gear, I have all my ducks in a row and this is going to be my season to smoke a P&Y world class Mega Buck. Iād seen pictures from the previous season and no less than a dozen deer over 160 were taken and 1 a beauty 16 point that scored 198 and changeā¦I tinkled on the floor.
Oct 23 I started feeling a little sick-ish but ignored it completely. The weather was bad. Cold, rained like crazy the 22nd and 23rd and turned to ice that night. EVERYTHING had ½ā sheath of ice.
Morning of I canāt remove the smile with a hammer even though I aint in the best shape. I have some serious lower bowel issues and my stomach is a turning inside out pretty regularly but I only have a week and by God Iām getting to the dream land.
I head out at a million Oāclock and itās slick. Real slick. The roads are evil even for a Michigander and there are more cars in the ditch than on the road. I spent 100% of the 35 minute trip (turned to an hour) in 4wd and 40% on the shoulder or in someoneās yard. Mostly backwards or sideways. The ice had claimed everything.
I get to my spot and park, climber, bow, headlamp, safety harnessā¦.check check check letās get it on.
My climber is scaring me on the way up. Everything is iced like a glazed doughnut and Iām feeling increasingly like I may yakā¦I can shoot first and yak later.
I get to the top and get settle in to wait for dawn. Than I throw up.
I can hang. It passes and the sun starts to crawl over the ridge. I see some movement and grab the Binosā¦.un-freakin believable. Heās a mainframe 10 thatās far and away the biggest deer Iāve ever seen in the woods. He gets to about 40 yards and my nausea returns. My mouth starts to water and swallow it away trying to wait for him to come into range.
30 yardsā¦vitals behind a tree and one step and heās as good as above the fireplace with a great story of fighting through the elements and sickness to trick this wary wizened monster buck to falling to my incredible hunting prowessā¦.than I yak. It nearly hit him.
I feel like crying but canāt because I just hurled every bit of moisture left in my body but I sure as hell need to get out of here because this AINT workinā today. Iāve blown it in the first hour of the first day.
I lower my gear and start the descent. As I sit down for a second about 4 feet into my declination to hurl again I see it as if itās in slow motionā¦.the bottom of my climber doesnāt quite catchā¦hanging in mid air by the strap thatās not knotted tight enoughā¦.it slipsā¦.and crashes to the base of the tree taking the express lane due to the 6ā of ice covering every damn thing in this God forsaken woods.
I breathe deepā¦No problem. Iāll just bear hug the tree and slide down. Grip it real tight and nice and easy down to the bottom. I get all set and have a ferocious grip and look up at the seat of my climberā¦how the hell am I going to get it down?
Ahhā¦Iāll give it a little nudge and itāll follow me.
I land at the base of the tree in .003 seconds and somewhere along the trip Iāve crapped my pants. I land on my butt so hard it knocks my wind out and I see starsā¦than Iām walloped in the head with the climber and donāt remember anything for a little while.
I wake up and my left eye glued shut in frozen blood. Iām bleeding, puking and I have soiled boxers and feeling pretty poorly at this minute. I sit up and the blood flows freely from my head.
I look around to try to get my bearings to the nearest road and quickest route to my truck and there stands that buck. Not 20 yards out just staring at me.
I swear to God I’ve never seen a deer smile before or after but this one did.
I make a snowball and whip it at his head.
I leave everything and make my way to the roadā¦Iām relieved when I hear a car coming as Iām leaving a copious bloodtrail and Iām not sure how bad the gash on my cranium is.
The car comes around the corner and I see itās a woman in her 50ās or so alone. I wave and our eyes meetā¦than she crashes off into the ditch and into a stand of young trees. I go over to help just as she throws it in reverse and backs out doing a 180 that would make Bow and Luke Duke enviousā¦apparently I look pretty rough and sheās not taking any chances with a bloody guy in camo staggering out of the wood in the middle of nowhere.
I take the road back toward my truck and have fashioned a makeshift bandage from my knit hatā¦the bleeding has subsided somewhat but Iām feeling pretty weak, tired and I smell like poop. Than I yak again.
½ a mile left to get to my truck and the DNR rolls by and stops to give me a lift. Heās very concerned for me but I see the wound has almost stopped bleeding now. It looks like the top half of an egg is glued under my skin with an angry jagged red slash across the top. He kinda chuckles as he drops me off and tells me heāll go get my gear for me. Than I yak again.
He returns my gear and makes sure I feel ok to drive and as heās about to leave I can tell heās trying to find words but strugglingā¦than he asks, ā I know youāre having a hard day but I have to askā¦did you **** in my truck?ā
I went home and went back to bed still dreaming of that buck.